Comentariile membrilor:

=
Zao
[04.Jun.05 01:48]
This piece flows nicely and the style is pleasant.

I think in some places you're overusing the comma. For example:

"And so on, each one takes his stomach out, like a sepia, and invokes passionately, for himself (hoping in the magic of the moment), the formula of his favorite nourishment."

would go better as:

"And so on, each one takes his stomach out like a sepia, and invokes passionately for himself (hoping in the magic of the moment) the formula of his favorite nourishment."

This text is quite poetic and communicates a state of mind rather than a story. Which is not bad; yet, I think you could elaborate better on this idea and tell us more about 'what happens' there.

Good luck!

Pentru a putea adăuga comentarii trebuie sa vizionezi acest text în limba în care a fost înscris.

Foloseşte link-ul existent în pagină (lângă data înscrierii textului), sau alege limba corespunzătoare şi accesează din nou acest text.

De asemenea, nu poţi comenta din pagina care include comentariile off-topic.

Înapoi !

=	Zao [04.Jun.05 01:48]
This piece flows nicely and the style is pleasant. I think in some places you're overusing the comma. For example: "And so on, each one takes his stomach out, like a sepia, and invokes passionately, for himself (hoping in the magic of the moment), the formula of his favorite nourishment." would go better as: "And so on, each one takes his stomach out like a sepia, and invokes passionately for himself (hoping in the magic of the moment) the formula of his favorite nourishment." This text is quite poetic and communicates a state of mind rather than a story. Which is not bad; yet, I think you could elaborate better on this idea and tell us more about 'what happens' there. Good luck!